Birthday Roadtrip

These next few day I will attempt the impossible.... catch up on blogging before the start of the new year. Ready..... Go!


All I wanted for my birthday (in the realm of the possible) was to get the heck out of dodge and go back to the motherland of Yucaipa/ Oak Glen for apple picking season.

What you are about to see are actual photos from said trip. This is not a reenactment.

First stop was to Sweet and Saucy Shop, because duh, I am the number one fan :)

Beach day!

What a great birthday filled with a few of my favorite things! This year my birthday trip also doubled as a babymoon since we knew we would be getting a child within a month :)
It was the perfect get away!


Pretty much the most exciting thing ever!

Back in August Jordan and I began a journey. Honestly to say it began in August would be a bit of a fib considering this is something we have been working on for years....YEARS!!!! But at the end of summer Jordan and I were certain through many personal and wonderful experience (that I can not wait to tell our children about) that foster to adopt was the path meant for us.

So per requirement of the state Jordan and I began our 10 week course in foster care training on August 12th.  Ten weeks later on October 14th we were done and certified!  Those two months were not easy at all. We had homework, had to read document after document after document, filled out paper work until our eyes wanted to bleed, had to be interviewed by everyone and their mom, had to give our FULL life history including every place that we have lived in the past 10 years. That one was fun because I got to write down all my apartments in Poland, good luck checking out those places Sate of Arizona!

The whole experience has been amazing and it's just getting started. We have learned so much and met so many people that have made an everlasting impression. I LOVE LOVE our agency. We are so lucky and blessed. Oh and our case manager, yeah she's pretty much the bomb as well, how did we get so lucky!! So now I am getting to the even better news y'all

We had our home inspection two weeks ago (we passed) and then a week later our case manager came over to do a final run through.  She said that all our paper work was done, and that she would be submitting it to the courts in the morning and it would take the courts about three weeks to license us. So umm.....let me rephrase that so it's better to understand for those not familiar with how foster care works. Being licensed = getting a child.  It is expected to get a child within 24 hours (most of the time less) of becoming licensed with the state. This was a week ago that our paper work was submitted ... so let's do the math shall we... Jordan and I will be parents by the end of this month if not sooner!!!!!!!!!

 ^I actually don't think I put enough explanation marks there.

We are over the moon excited and can't stop thinking about it!!! 
In  fact it is all I think about, I have waited so long for this.  

We are going to be parents!!!!!! :) :) :)  

32 is the new 22

October 24th has always kind of been like my most favorite day ever. It's hard to believe that I turned 32 this year. I don't really know how one should act at this age. Sometimes I'm actually mistaken for being a lot younger, and I don't mind at all...as long as it's not because they think I'm immature. (On a side note I thought it was super cute that all the young women thought I was 25!) I think honestly people think I'm younger because I don't have children. I of course, thought that by this age I would at least have two children and be working on our third. Things didn't turn out that way and it's OK. Despite life's ups and downs, I have always been a very happy person. So it turns out I'm human and have week moments and bad days from time to time, but all in all I think I am the best darn therapist I can afford:) I choose happiness and I hope that it shows because gosh darn it I just love life!!

Jordan does a great job of making me feel loved all year round, but he sure loves my birthday just as much as me and goes above and beyond to make me feel like a lucky gal. We have a tradition where Jordan makes my birthday cake each year. It's my favorite and it never disappoints!

       I spent the day surrounded by people that I love, and you know, what more can a girl ask for!


Don't mind me, I'm just dreaming...

Guys, sometimes an idea will pop into my head that I just can't shake. Then all I do is think of that idea that I'm fixated on. It will consume my time until I have researched and thought through every strategy to make it a reality. 

Right now I am currently obsessing over these beauties

Here me out

OK so no surprise, I LOVE SUGAR! A lot! It makes me happy and it has also helped pay the bills. I love love love being a Pastry Chef. Well for some reason the thought entered my mind about how much I love and adore cotton candy, and how fun it would be to sell it! I fell in love with these carts and I couldn't help but think how I could give them a make-over, make them all my own with my own brand, experiment with cotton candy flavors, do some marketing with popular blogs, and then rent out my services for parties and weddings. I'm already in that business anyways and I know how people love to venture out and do fun things and make em trendy. I already have ideas swooshing around in my head of how I can make it all my own, and not like any other normal cotton candy vendor that one might see.

What do you think?

Am I crazy?

I seriously can't stop thinking about it. It would take time, and obviously money in investing in both a machine and cart. I just like dreaming about it....

But honestly, give me some input people!! 


I got that summertime (not so) sadness

Since I'm behind on blogging, this is my attempt to sum up the rest of our summertime shenanigans in one post.


Let us begin.

 I said goodbye to my sweet sweet primary children , and hello to the beautiful young women. This may not be new info to some, since I love posting photos of them all over my instagram! Just look how cute they are! 

^^ I baked. Like a lot.

^^ We didn't even plan to match, we are just that awesome! 

^^ The Naegle Family reunion was the bomb. I freakin love my family! 

^^ Mary was baptized, and the peasants rejoiced.

^^ And last but certainly not least, I became an Aunt again.
 My baby sister and her husband welcomed Amelia Leigh Silvers into the world. She is just the sweetest tiniest thing. I'm in love.

October I love your stinkin' guts

Hello blog, it's been a while. I went through a rough patch and for some reason took it out on you. I'm sorry. I'm feeling much better and more positive about life, so let's be friends again ok!? Great!


poster via Gabriel Marques

It's October.

I love you October!  


Sometimes I hate everything

The title pretty much sums it up. I've been avoiding blogging lately because I was trying to live by the code "if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all". But ya know, sometimes I think that's just crap. Sometimes ya just gotta vent and get it all out there!

These last two months have been really hard on me. I'm usually really good at getting myself out of funks and going on my merry way, but this time I just can't seem to shake it. I'm tired of putting on a fake smile and pretending everything's OK. I'm angry, I'm mad, I'm bitter, tired, frustrated, sad, and pretty much emotional every other day. These past two months I've gone from extreme highs, to thinking that things were finally working out, to extreme lows all within days, sometimes minutes. I am of course referring to babies (or lack there of), infertility, adoption, now foster care, the never ending doctors appointment, and finding out how much everything costs. I pretty much hate it all.

I found a new doctor I love. That's good news.  But now my weeks include one doctors appointment after another. I'm tired of getting my blood drawn, I'm tired of getting pelvic ultra sounds, I'm tired of getting poke and prodded in every way imaginable with nothing to show from it but big fat disappointment. And cysts, I hate them as well!! For some reason cysts seem to love me. I had them and they would not go away like they do on most women. They gave my some medicine that I hated in order to dissolve them, but lucky me, after a month on this medication not only did they not dissolve, they got bigger....like the size of golf ball type big! Worried that they might be benign tumors (say what doctors?!) They had to run some test and I needed to have them surgically removed. Yay!  So another doctors appointment was made. They basically had to stick a big ole fat needle up my girly parts while two others watched, good thing I'm not shy. The good news, all signs point to them not being tumors. They just have to run one more check up on me to be certain, but I'm not worried because.... "It's not a tumor"... (said in my best Arnold Schwarzenegger voice)

Adoption. I don't even know where to start. I just wanna cry every time I talk about it. We had money put aside to start the adoption. I called the agency and they were gonna email me over more paper work to fill out before we paid our $1,000 non refundable home study fee. I printed all the paper work and began reading it over with Jordan. Long story short, we just don't have the money. We would have to hire a lawyer...we can't afford that, and all adoption fees must be paid in full before they can place a child with us. And not to mention the home study expires after 2 years, in which you would have to start over again  and pay another 1,000 dollars to begin the process again.  So basically we would have 2 years to come up with about $6,000 (plus). Again, I went from an extreme high to an extreme low all in the matter of minutes.

Fertility treatment. The average cost of an IVF is between $12,000 - $15,000 so yeah... don't really have that in our bank account.
Jordan and I had a consultation with a fertility specialist who told us of another form of fertility drugs. I liked this guy and everything seemed promising and gave me a glimmer of hope, until we found out the cost, again, extreme high to another low.

So here I sit depressed and childless. Can we save the money needed to pay for the adoption in full? Yes, but it would take probably 3-4 more years to save it all up. My 32nd birthday is in two months. I never imagined this is where I would be at age 32. I hate when people tell me that lots of women have babies when they are older now. The majority of them are celebrities who can afford to freeze their eggs, adopt as many babies as they want, or fork up the money for IVF, so yea....not really helping me out here. And yes I know there are women in the church who have babies later, and lots of women who suffer with fertility, but it always seems to be the woman who got married when she was 19 and had four kids by the time she was 26 that seem to be giving me advise.

I'm tired of people telling me to get over it. The worst is when they say, " God knows what He's doing and he will give you a child when you are ready"  When I'm ready?! What the hell is that supposed to mean?  I can't even count the number of times this has been said to me. What this says to me is, I'm not ready for a child but the fifteen and sixteen year old moms out there are?  I've had someone try to give me sex advise once, as if I couldn't get pregnant because I didn't know what I was doing in bed. Are you kidding me!?  My favorite is, "just stop stressing out about it and you'll get pregnant" Those people I just really want to punch in the face.

The other day Jordan and I were leaving Target. There was a dad who was letting his 4-5 year old son run around with out a shirt on, the son was occupied as the dad was trying to rush him out the door, The dad turned to his son and said as clear as day, not even trying to hide it, "let's go mother fuc!er"   Both Jordan and I looked at each other in disbelief and I thought to myself, yep, this guy gets to have children, and we don't. Awesome!

I don't know where I'm going with this. All I know is how I've been hurting for over three and a half years now, and the past two months have just been the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm human, and I'm weak. I'm angry and bitter and sometimes I just want to have those emotion without feeling guilty for them. I don't need to be reminded all the time that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and this is just part of it. I know that seems harsh but it's true. I read my scriptures and I say my prayers...I'm not going inactive any time soon here people. I have faith maybe not enough, but I do have it. I'm just trying to cope with all that has been thrown at me. The reality that I might never have children is a hard pill to swallow, or that I might be in my late 30's by the time I finally become a mother. It's all a reality that I face and I'm just trying to deal with it the best I can.