Sometimes I hate everything

The title pretty much sums it up. I've been avoiding blogging lately because I was trying to live by the code "if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all". But ya know, sometimes I think that's just crap. Sometimes ya just gotta vent and get it all out there!

These last two months have been really hard on me. I'm usually really good at getting myself out of funks and going on my merry way, but this time I just can't seem to shake it. I'm tired of putting on a fake smile and pretending everything's OK. I'm angry, I'm mad, I'm bitter, tired, frustrated, sad, and pretty much emotional every other day. These past two months I've gone from extreme highs, to thinking that things were finally working out, to extreme lows all within days, sometimes minutes. I am of course referring to babies (or lack there of), infertility, adoption, now foster care, the never ending doctors appointment, and finding out how much everything costs. I pretty much hate it all.

I found a new doctor I love. That's good news.  But now my weeks include one doctors appointment after another. I'm tired of getting my blood drawn, I'm tired of getting pelvic ultra sounds, I'm tired of getting poke and prodded in every way imaginable with nothing to show from it but big fat disappointment. And cysts, I hate them as well!! For some reason cysts seem to love me. I had them and they would not go away like they do on most women. They gave my some medicine that I hated in order to dissolve them, but lucky me, after a month on this medication not only did they not dissolve, they got bigger....like the size of golf ball type big! Worried that they might be benign tumors (say what doctors?!) They had to run some test and I needed to have them surgically removed. Yay!  So another doctors appointment was made. They basically had to stick a big ole fat needle up my girly parts while two others watched, good thing I'm not shy. The good news, all signs point to them not being tumors. They just have to run one more check up on me to be certain, but I'm not worried because.... "It's not a tumor"... (said in my best Arnold Schwarzenegger voice)

Adoption. I don't even know where to start. I just wanna cry every time I talk about it. We had money put aside to start the adoption. I called the agency and they were gonna email me over more paper work to fill out before we paid our $1,000 non refundable home study fee. I printed all the paper work and began reading it over with Jordan. Long story short, we just don't have the money. We would have to hire a lawyer...we can't afford that, and all adoption fees must be paid in full before they can place a child with us. And not to mention the home study expires after 2 years, in which you would have to start over again  and pay another 1,000 dollars to begin the process again.  So basically we would have 2 years to come up with about $6,000 (plus). Again, I went from an extreme high to an extreme low all in the matter of minutes.

Fertility treatment. The average cost of an IVF is between $12,000 - $15,000 so yeah... don't really have that in our bank account.
Jordan and I had a consultation with a fertility specialist who told us of another form of fertility drugs. I liked this guy and everything seemed promising and gave me a glimmer of hope, until we found out the cost, again, extreme high to another low.

So here I sit depressed and childless. Can we save the money needed to pay for the adoption in full? Yes, but it would take probably 3-4 more years to save it all up. My 32nd birthday is in two months. I never imagined this is where I would be at age 32. I hate when people tell me that lots of women have babies when they are older now. The majority of them are celebrities who can afford to freeze their eggs, adopt as many babies as they want, or fork up the money for IVF, so yea....not really helping me out here. And yes I know there are women in the church who have babies later, and lots of women who suffer with fertility, but it always seems to be the woman who got married when she was 19 and had four kids by the time she was 26 that seem to be giving me advise.

I'm tired of people telling me to get over it. The worst is when they say, " God knows what He's doing and he will give you a child when you are ready"  When I'm ready?! What the hell is that supposed to mean?  I can't even count the number of times this has been said to me. What this says to me is, I'm not ready for a child but the fifteen and sixteen year old moms out there are?  I've had someone try to give me sex advise once, as if I couldn't get pregnant because I didn't know what I was doing in bed. Are you kidding me!?  My favorite is, "just stop stressing out about it and you'll get pregnant" Those people I just really want to punch in the face.

The other day Jordan and I were leaving Target. There was a dad who was letting his 4-5 year old son run around with out a shirt on, the son was occupied as the dad was trying to rush him out the door, The dad turned to his son and said as clear as day, not even trying to hide it, "let's go mother fuc!er"   Both Jordan and I looked at each other in disbelief and I thought to myself, yep, this guy gets to have children, and we don't. Awesome!

I don't know where I'm going with this. All I know is how I've been hurting for over three and a half years now, and the past two months have just been the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm human, and I'm weak. I'm angry and bitter and sometimes I just want to have those emotion without feeling guilty for them. I don't need to be reminded all the time that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and this is just part of it. I know that seems harsh but it's true. I read my scriptures and I say my prayers...I'm not going inactive any time soon here people. I have faith maybe not enough, but I do have it. I'm just trying to cope with all that has been thrown at me. The reality that I might never have children is a hard pill to swallow, or that I might be in my late 30's by the time I finally become a mother. It's all a reality that I face and I'm just trying to deal with it the best I can.