Dealing With Infertility

I've wrestled with my thoughts several times over the past two years on how much of my infertility struggles I wished to share with others, if any of it at all. I've never been a very elegant speaker or writer for that matter but I have found over just these past few months that the more open and honest I am about the situation the easier it has been for me to cope with my emotions and begin the healing process, although it is something that I feel I will never fully recover from.

It's best to start at the beginning, so here's to hoping I don't end up sounding like a rambling idiot....
**warning**  womanly issues below, though I doubt any men read this blog*

December 2010 was a pretty hard month for me. After 8 months of trying to conceive, I found myself in the hospital due to excessive bleeding (16 days strait to be exact at that point)
The doctor who I refer to as feminist Nazis ran a few test and then began her interrogation on me.

Throughout our meeting she felt the need to belittle me and make me feel absolutely worthless, and talked to me in the rudest manner. At one point she asked me a question that I did not fully understand, now in no way am I an idiot, but at the same time, I also did not go to medical school and therefore did not understand all the terms she was using. When I told her that I didn't  understand a question she was asking me, she just looked at me with those evil Lord Voldemort eyes and said, and I quote,

"Have you been living under a rock for the last few years?"

A few minutes later she asked what religion I was, to which I replied, "I'm Christian - Latter Day Saint"

Her response was, "Oh, that explains it"

..Umm...that explains what exactly!?

A million thoughts were running through my head, and while I am not the type of person to just sit there defenselessly while someone verbally and emotionally attacked  me, sit there I did. I didn't say anything. I was too shocked too! Shocked with the way this doctor was treating me, the questions she was asking, the way she was judging me when she knew nothing about me, and most of all the news that she had just given me...

She came back from checking on the test results and proceeded to tell me that I was pregnant, but that my body was rejecting it, and I was having a miscarriage.

She was cold and offered no words of comfort as I sat there crying.

I left the office trying to hold back the tears so others wouldn't see, but the second I locked myself in the car, tears began flowing uncontrollably. I called Jordan to explain everything that had just happened. And there in my car I sat, alone and crying while my sweet husband was on the line trying to give me words of comfort.  I managed to put myself together to go back to work. Yeah, I still had to go back to work after all this. It was nothing short of a miracle that I made it though the rest of the day. The next day at work however I wasn't so lucky.

Moments after arriving to work the next day I had a huge "incident" (basically I needed to go home and change, and there was really no way around it) So right then and there in the bathroom of my work, I had a complete meltdown and began to cry uncontrollably.

How was I going to explain to my supervisor why I needed to go home after just arriving at work??

Plus how could I physically hide the reason I needed to leave??

Thank goodness it was winter time and I was able to use my jacket as a shield around my waist.

So once again I tried to pull myself together as best I could, but there really was no hiding my red puffy eyes that gave me away. As calmly as I could I walked up to my boss and asked to speak to her privately....the words barley left my lips when once again I lost all control of my emotions and was forced right then and there to bare my sole to my boss as the frustration of everything came to a full boil. My amazing boss was so understand and allowed my to cry on her shoulder before excusing me for the day. Looking back I will always be grateful for her kindness and sympathy at a time that I needed it the most. 

I ended up bleeding for another 4 more emotionally filled days, which made a total of 20 days strait while I tried to "pass" through one of the toughest trials ever.

Other then the people mentioned, I told no one of this incident (save my mother). It was months before I told another living sole, it was just too painful to talk about. I didn't even tell my mother in-law until a year (exactly a year) after the fact.

Now here it is.... two and a half years of trying to conceive, and almost two years after the miscarriage. The pain, disappointment, heartache, and frustration will never fully go away, but I have found comfort and moments of tender mercies along this bumpy road in our life. I know that I'm not the only woman to experience such sorrow, and while I would never wish this upon anyone... knowing there are other women who have been through the same trials has given me a sense of hope never thought possible. I've been able to forge bonds of sisterhood with other women who I might never have had another chance to otherwise meet. Their strength gives me strength. I think that's how God intended it to be!

Phew... I barley made it through this post. Putting your heart out there for all to see is never easy, but I feel good about it!
I will be sharing more on this topic. Talking (or writing ) about it helps me. And I hope to help others as well if I can